DEAR MISS MANNERS: An elderly friend died last year after a long decline. I was very fond of her, as she was of me, and I visited her regularly after she moved from her home to the care facility where she died.
I recently received a small monetary bequest. My friend’s executor is the eldest of her three children. Should I write a thank-you note for this bequest, and if so, to whom should it be addressed?
Obviously I can’t write to my deceased friend, though I do think of her gratefully almost every day for her love and many kindnesses. Yet I don’t think much of the children — they neglected my friend and left her lonely for many of her final months — and am not keen to give them credit by thanking them for a bequest that was A. not of their generosity, and B. handled entirely by lawyers.
If I should send a thank-you note, do I address it only to the executor or to all three?
GENTLE READER: You do your late friend no honor by snubbing her children, at least one of whom she trusted enough to name as her executor. Miss Manners hopes that you will express your condolences to the children. However complicated the relationships, they did lose their mother.
But no, you need not thank the family for the bequest, which was none of their doing. Any acknowledgment to the executor would be in that child’s capacity as your friend’s chosen representative.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
