Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. It’s anonymous!
Dear Good Job,
Four years ago, my spouse and I entered a business partnership with someone we didn’t know well. The business is service-based. My spouse works primarily as one of the service providers, and I work in a managerial role. For several reasons, the partnership has turned very sour and contentious, and there is a strong possibility we may be exiting the partnership. If that happens, we will have to look for other work. This business venture was our first attempt at entrepreneurship. Before that, we both had years of experience working for different companies, but we are concerned that we may seem like risky hires when we try to apply for jobs because we were previously business owners.
If we exit the partnership, what would be the best way to add this experience to our resumes? Should we simply state our job titles and not mention we were owners? How should we talk about this work in interviews? In many ways, we have gained a lot of knowledge about things we didn’t have experience with before, but we were also employees and performed regular duties that most people perform on the job.
And finally, and most emotionally, how do we conquer this feeling of defeat? We tried so hard to make this a success, and it’s all falling apart. We made significant changes to our lives to make this happen, and it just didn’t turn out how we wanted. We feel so sad and overwhelmed, and the thought of having to look for a job while feeling this way is so hard.
—Don’t Have to Be the Boss
Dear Don’t Have to Be the Boss,
Whenever I play a tennis match, whether I win or lose, I try to jot down a few things that I did well and a few things I need to improve on. Even if I got crushed by my opponent, I still try to highlight some things that I’m proud of. Sure, the match overall may not have gone the way I wanted it to, but maybe I had one serve that went exactly where I intended it to, or a volley that I usually miss that I managed to make this time.
I’m telling you this because I know that right now, it seems like you’ve “failed,” but I actually want to congratulate you. You took a big risk in entering into a new business partnership and making it as long as you did, and you should be really proud of yourself! Taking those kinds of leaps is not easy, and you did it. (Perhaps it’ll help to know that shuttering after four years isn’t that uncommon an experience. Estimates put about two out of every three businesses with employees lasting about two years, and about half lasting five years.) It may not have turned out exactly the way you envisioned, but I’m sure you learned a lot—and that’s going to make you a better employee of whatever company you join next. You’ve probably learned a ton of skills and gained a lot of invaluable experience that most people in your field don’t have, and a great employer will recognize that.
I asked San Francisco-based interview coach Kate Lorch what she would recommend when it comes to actually presenting your experience on a resume or in an interview. She suggests listing it proudly, and calling yourself founder, CEO, entrepreneur, or whatever feels right to you. List the business’s major accomplishments with stats to back them up. Then, in your cover letter, include a sentence or two about your future goals and how they match directly with this position. Something like: “After starting a service-based business and running it for four years, I am ready to take a step away from entrepreneurship. I am interested in the role of X at Y because I’m ready to bring my skills of [keyword from the job description] and . I’d be thrilled to contribute to Y and share the many lessons I learned as a business owner.”
Lorch also recommends that you practice how you want to tell the story of the business. “If it’s just too painful right now, the writer of the letter needs to craft a one-sentence answer to the reason that the business failed,” she said. “They need to practice that line until they can say it neutrally in an interview.” So get to crafting that resume and rehearsing that response.
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Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!
Dear Good Job,
I have an invisible disability. I have an ADA accommodation, and I take daily medication. My boss, Susan, knows I have an accommodation, but she doesn’t know why. I have zero desire to tell anyone at work because I don’t know how it would go over. For the past seven years, I’ve been a top performer with outstanding evaluations. I genuinely thought we had a good relationship full of trust and empathy.
Due to a miscommunication on her part, which she never owned up to (as she often does), Susan sat me down to discuss a project that had gone wrong. For over an hour, she explained how my mannerisms annoyed her and how my communication style made her feel “put on the spot.” Every example she listed was a symptom of my disability. It was torture. What she doesn’t know is that no matter how hard I try or how much medication I’m on, I will always have some annoying quirks that I cannot control, e.g., talking fast, fidgeting, jumping around topics, being impulsive, etc. I go out of my way to be the best employee to counteract my negative traits. I thought my relationship with Susan was such that she would give me the benefit of the doubt and understand I never meant to hurt her. Everything she said brought me back to a lot of traumatic childhood experiences in school, including bullying, even though she was doing her best to be kind. (Susan is neurotypical.)
After that, I went to my office and cried. My face was in such a state that I went home and called in sick for the rest of the week because I didn’t want to be around Susan. I still don’t. Since I’ve returned, I haven’t treated Susan any differently, but I keep my distance and think twice before saying something. I expend a lot of mental and physical energy to stay quiet and still. She thinks nothing is wrong.
It has been a month, and I’m not really sure where to go from here. I have no desire to enlighten Susan on my diagnosis because I’m no longer comfortable with her, and I don’t trust her anymore. She’s leaving in five months, so perhaps I can stick it out for that long. While my productivity hasn’t changed, I’m finding it harder and harder to come to work. I hate myself for being so weak. What can I do?
—Need to Stop Calling in Sick
Dear Need to Stop Calling in Sick,
I’m so sorry that your boss has been treating you so poorly. It sounds like seven years of masking at work is starting to take its toll, and the conversation with Susan was maybe the final straw. I would start to look for another job right away—even after Susan leaves, I worry that your perspective on the company has shifted irrevocably. You might be happier somewhere else where you can be your full self at work. In the meantime, if you decide to stay for the duration of Susan’s employment, it’s worth reaching out to human resources to help navigate the situation. If you feel like you’re being picked on for your disability, HR will likely be able to mediate a conversation between the two of you and/or reel Susan in for the time being. If you don’t want to disclose the exact nature of your disability to Susan, make sure that HR is aware of that ahead of time.
That said, I’m struck by one line in your letter: “Everything she said brought me back to a lot of traumatic childhood experiences in school, including bullying, even though she was doing her best to be kind.” I’m wondering if it would be helpful for you to start seeing a therapist to try to unpack these traumatic childhood experiences and why this conversation with Susan took you back to that place. To be clear, I’m in no way trying to imply that you are overreacting to the way Susan spoke to you, but I do wonder if you might want help in understanding and moving past what happened to you as a kid. It might make dealing with the Susans of the world a bit easier going forward.
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Dear Good Job,
Am I obligated to keep a work friendship alive after I no longer work there? I believe I am this former colleague’s only “friend” there, and it’s because when they started, they came in trying hard to change things the way the management was not doing or neglecting. In turn, they would point out who wasn’t doing what and who was doing something not to their liking. I was not one of them.
We regularly talk about our respective work gripes, which were a lot in this toxic environment. Now that I have finally found a way out of this hellhole of a job and an awful management team, I feel free and excited for this new work opportunity. Personally, I feel this colleague’s frustration and sadness can only be alleviated if they take steps to do something about their situation. Do I just tell them I cannot be their friend anymore? And how?
—To Ghost or Not to Ghost
Dear To Ghost or Not to Ghost,
Congrats on getting out of your hellhole of a job! The brief answer to your question is no, of course you are not obligated to keep a friendship alive after you stop working with someone. But if any part of you values this friendship, you might wait to see how this all plays out. You could first try setting some clear boundaries with this former colleague. If they try to gripe about work, just tell them that while you empathize with what they’re going through, for your own mental health, you need to focus on your current job and can’t have conversations about your old workplace anymore. If your former colleague honors your boundaries, I don’t see why you can’t still be friends. But if they keep carping about work after you’ve told them explicitly not to, then you can certainly distance yourself.
The pause in your friendship might not last forever. I’ve had work “friends” with whom my only bond was that we both hated our jobs, and I needed a break from them after we stopped working together. But now, years later, we’ve all moved on to different jobs and are friendly again. It’s nice to have people you can have a laugh with when your former boss does something stupid.
—Doree
Classic Prudie
I recently learned that my husband gambled himself into $20,000 of debt. I’ve known him to dabble in betting on sports here and there, but otherwise this came as a complete shock to me—it feels very out of character. After much discussion, we decided to work on our marriage while he repays his debt. He promised me he would not gamble again, even if he felt like he was in control, and to never lie to me again (he lied in an attempt to cover up the debt when I first discovered it). Well, last night I stumbled upon some information…
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