‘I feel as though she could pull the rug out from under us at any time,’ says Francesca*, a 43-year-old Sydney woman whose wealthy mother pays for her two daughters to attend an exclusive private school in the city’s east.
‘Dad died nine years ago, and mum and I have always had a complex relationship. She did a number on me as a teenager and we’ve reached a kind of truce as I’ve become an adult, but she can be difficult and cruel at times.
‘But then she offered to pay for the kids’ schooling, something we never could have afforded without her, and ever since then I feel tied to her in a weird, kind of grotesque way.’
Francesca says she goes through periods of shame and discomfort about the situation.
‘I probably see her more than I would if there weren’t the financial strings, and then I think – am I a terrible person?’ she tells me.
But ultimately, she knows her complex relationship with her mother is something she must live with for the sake of her own children.
The so-called ‘Great Wealth Transfer’ is well under way. An estimated $3.5billion is expected to pass down from Australian Baby Boomers to their Gen X and Millennial children over the next two decades.
Research from financial advisory service Findex found 35 per cent of Millennials and 43 per cent of Gen Z are expecting some form of inheritance, suggesting that, at least in part, they are relying on this money as part of their future financial plans.
The ‘Great Wealth Transfer’ will see an estimated $3.5billion pass down from Australian Baby Boomers to their Gen X and Millennial children over the next two decades (stock image)
This eye-watering amount of money – backdropped against impossibly high property prices, a cost of living crisis and the uniquely Millennial urge to ‘cut off’ toxic family members – presents more than a few curly issues in the question of estate planning.
In some situations, experts say, adult children are choosing to maintain relationships with abusive or difficult parents they would otherwise be estranged from purely because they need the inheritance. In other cases, parents are ‘dangling the carrot’ of inheritance to maintain control over the lives of their adult children and grandchildren.
It’s been dubbed the ‘inheritance ransom’ – and it’s impacting people on both sides of the last will and testament.
‘I’m astounded by the sense of entitlement of adult children and grandchildren with their elderly, wealthy parents,’ says Jeff Garrett, Legal Practice Director at Attwood Marshall Lawyers in Coolangatta.
‘They are stepping in well before their parents die and attempting to take control of assets, including having assets or cash transferred to them, quite often to the detriment of the parents and their siblings. Watching them, they all become crazed, like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, trying to get his ring back.’
Garrett says he encounters a lot of Millennial and Gen X adult children whose expectations of a large inheritance play a major role in their financial planning, and who, in some cases, try to use their relationship with their parents as a bargaining chip.
‘We often get elderly clients who come in to do their estate planning, and you’ve almost got to prod it out of them because they’re so embarrassed that it’s going on,’ he continues.
‘They’ll come in with their adult children and then come back to us secretly, saying that they want to cut them out of the will, or that they’re harassing them to transfer assets.’
In some situations, adult children are choosing to maintain relationships with abusive or difficult parents they would otherwise be estranged from because they need the inheritance. In other cases, parents are ‘dangling the carrot’ of inheritance to maintain control over the lives of their adult children and grandchildren (stock image posed by models)
Garrett also acknowledges the other side of the coin, and says that there are plenty of ageing parents who also use their money as a bargaining chip.
‘We also see a certain percentage, albeit smaller, of manipulative parents who are using inheritance to get their way with their children and or grandchildren,’ he says.
‘For those adult children, it can be a case of them pretty much gritting their teeth and putting up with that for fear of losing their inheritance.’
Clinical psychotherapist Julie Sweet says this is all occurring in the midst of rising emotional chasms between parents and their adult children.
‘Research shows a rise in family estrangement in Australia, with roughly one in 25 Australians having experienced estrangement from their family of origin (that is, the family they were born into),’ she explains.
‘Several clients I’ve worked with have confronted the challenging decision to cut ties with their parents, which may result in relinquishing their inheritance,’ says Sweet.
‘But more so I see clients who choose not to become estranged, primarily because they receive financial support from their parents who, in some cases, are toxic, controlling and dysfunctional.’
‘My parents barely noticed me when I was a kid and I struggle to connect with them as an adult,’ says Jesse*, a 32-year-old Brisbane man.
Psychologist Julie Sweet says she is seeing adults who do not to become estranged from toxic, controlling and dysfunctional parents because they stand to financially gain in the future
‘I can go months without talking to them and no one really seems to care on either side. But I am also conscious that in 2025, I have a child of my own, with whom I have an amazing and close relationship, and I don’t want him to struggle for money.
‘My boomer parents are the only real chance I have to set him up into adulthood.’
And herein lies the rub: for many Gen X and Millennial parents, there’s a distinct feeling that making nice with mum and dad is a sacrifice that needs to be made for their own kids.
Not for any grandparental sentimentalism, but for survival in an increasingly hostile economy.
‘When you have no trust or open communication with your parents (as I don’t with mine) they also won’t tell you what they are planning with their inheritance, so you are kept in the dark,’ explains Jesse.
‘Which is extremely upsetting and anxiety-inducing. And I absolutely hate those people who say “They earned it, it is their right to do what they like with it.”
‘Well, yeah, sure, maybe – but me and my child do not have the ability to “earn it” in the same way they did – thanks to stagnating wages, impossible housing costs and the overall cost of living which, let’s face it, has largely been driven by the greed, carelessness and speculative spending of boomers.’
Jeff Garrett, of Attwood Marshall Lawyers in Coolangatta, says he encounters a lot of Millennial and Gen X adult children whose expectations of an inheritance play a major role in their financial planning, and who, in some cases, try to use their relationship with their parents as a bargaining chip
And as for those boomers? Many of them are also struggling to understand the hostility of younger generations.
‘In therapy, I see this a lot,’ says Sweet.
‘Parents of adult children have often expressed feelings of being “taken advantage of” or “used” by their children to stay in their good books regarding inheritance and financial assistance.
‘Clients who are parents point to the fragmented and poor quality of their relationships with their child, for example, and feel that if financial and inheritance matters were not involved, relationships would be minimal or nonexistent.’
For Francesca, whose children’s education depends on her continued relationship with her mother, the phrase ‘inheritance ransom’ certainly rings true.
‘I’ve noticed over the years that her involvement in our lives has increased, but so has the amount of control she expects to have,’ she says.
‘It’s like she isn’t able to see me as a separate person from her. I’ve got to either be her little girl who is still 13 years old and defers to her for every decision, or I’m given the cold shoulder or worse, a “don’t you appreciate how much I do for you” guilt trip.
‘Sometimes I just wish I could win the lottery and tell her to stick her “charity”, she says.
‘Although I guess that’s kind of what will happen when she passes. I’m not a monster – I’ll be devastated – but do I think about it sometimes? Sure.’
That a tidal wave of generational wealth is due to crash down on a large portion of society in the coming years is not in dispute. What the emotional fallout from this might look like when the dust settles, however, remains largely unknown.
* Names have been changed
