OPINION
The ‘melaninometer’
David Bullard |
25 February 2025
David Bullard unveils a new device to get our cadres out of their current fiscal predicament
OUT TO LUNCH
Should we really be surprised that the budget didn’t happen this year for the first time ever? I mean, really? Consider the evidence.
We live in a country in which the ANC government (for want of a better word) has presided over the collapse of virtually all previously functional provinces and municipalities apart from the Western Cape; where schools in parts of the country still offer their pupils the luxury of latrine toilets thirty one years after the ANC came to power; where public hospitals are a disaster zone where you are more likely to die from negligence than to be cured and where you may have to supply your own bed linen and food.
But still the ANC insist that they will introduce National Health Insurance and make sure all those rich bastards on expensive medical schemes eventually experience the same quality of service as those attending run down public hospitals. That, my friends, is true equality. Equality of poverty maybe, but equality nonetheless. (Obviously this won’t apply to Comrades who will be able to access top quality private healthcare for themselves and their very extended families because they are essential to the success of the revolution.) ___STEADY_PAYWALL___
Just to add to the misery the news on the SASSA grants gets worse and worse but one has to understand that this is a meticulously organised strategy on behalf of the National Democratic Revolution to remind people where they are on the pecking order.
Stories of impoverished pensioners getting up at three in the morning to queue outside an office which may or may not open five hours later so that they can swap their wretched SASSA gold cards for a Postbank black card seem hard to believe.
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How, in this age of technology could things go so wrong? Isn’t it simply a matter of scanning the gold card for personal details, pressing a button and then a black card spews out of the machine with all the necessary data loaded? Well, apparently not. Well not in South Africa at any rate.
Among the many problems with swapping your SASSA card for a Postbank card is that there are only a limited number of places that seem to be able to achieve this noble aim. Then there are other problems such as the computer being offline or only two ‘officials’ handling a queue of 300+ at nine in the morning plus Sylvia being ‘on lunch’ from 12-2. Tough luck on the desperate folk queuing in vain but at least the prime objective of reminding the hoi-polloi of their place in society is achieved by our beloved leaders. You get a vote once in five years, what else do you want? Service delivery?
Unfortunately the poor folk who spend hours in SASSA queues (I mean, what else have they got to do to occupy their day?) will still keep voting the same way in the vain hope that a cynical government cares about them.
But back to the delayed budget and what it may hold for you on March 12th. As billionaire political activist and President-in-Waiting Rob Hersov tweeted last week:
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Anonymous: “What a spectacle having lunch with mom at the Alphen today with arrival of Paul Mashatile booking in. With his 12 luxury vehicle entourage and no less than 20 security staff.
Sickening!
Since no denials came through one must assume that ‘Anonymous’ wasn’t telling fibs and may even have been a close confidant of Mr Hersov. Isn’t this what the budget is really all about though?
In an increasingly Mickey Mouse country like South Africa it is vitally important for those elected to high office to feel loved and appreciated. Since there isn’t much love and affection coming from the people these days it then becomes necessary for politicians to pump up the pomp.
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That means not arriving for a function or even a hotel booking in a Toyota Cross but pitching up in a 12 vehicle cavalcade with lots of men with small hearing aids carrying some serious weaponry. Obviously these 12 vehicles can’t be bargain basement Omoda C5’s but would need to be something with a price range between R1-2mln rand, preferably on the upper bit of that scale. That achieves two objectives. First, it tells the gawping white onlookers that you are a serious player and well worthy of upwards of R15mln of vehicular support and, secondly, it reminds the black onlookers that they may well feel screwed over at the moment but just be patient….everything is under control and all things come to those that wait….and wait and wait.
So, let’s safely assume that cutting the unnecessary cost of political bling is not going to be high on the finance minister’s list of priorities if, and when, the budget is tabled on March 12th. Which leaves only the possibility of tax increases.
In many ways the postponement of the budget for those of us who need an occasional dop to survive SA2025, particularly with the sudden surprise return of Load Shedding Stage 6 (Hello darkness my old friend), has turned out to be fortuitous.
Both the sin tax and any increase in VAT are known unknowns at the moment so the sensible punter will get down to his local liquor store and take a long position in fine malt whisky, gin, grappa, brandy and anything else that is likely to soar in price after the next budget. Believe me, we are going to need it in the months to come.
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But where else can the Min of Fin get his hands on the moolah which will allow folk like Paul Mashatile to feel important and respected?
A wealth tax has been mooted for many years and this would involve the comrades getting together and deciding how much money whiteys need to live on for their expected lifespans.
Obviously, the rules of diversity, inclusivity and equity would need to be applied which would mean that a demographic interpretation might suggest that R8 000 a month is more than enough to live on.
Then it’s a simple matter of demanding that the banks surrender the various current, savings and investment accounts of whiteys and siphon off all the cash that is surplus to survival requirements. So, for example, if you were a couple aged 75 with R2 million in savings the estimate would be that you only need R960 000 to survive until the age of 80. Obviously, all your medical requirements would be fully covered under the new National Health Insurance plan. So, you would owe the taxman just over R1mln in wealth tax as reparation for the sins of your land thief ancestors.
Another possibility is a pigmentation tax. Government inspectors would roam the country with the newly invented ‘melaninometer’ to randomly test SA citizens and assess their blameworthiness for the legacy of apartheid. Point the melaninometer at the person to be tested and within seconds a reading will appear on the screen, measured in ‘guiltetrons’, which will determine the exact amount of responsibility any individual has for black suffering and what the recommended payment should be.
Now there will be those of you out there, dear trusting souls that you are, saying hey Bullard don’t give them ideas. Believe me, they already have the ideas. Just think of me as the Nostradamus of Politicsweb.
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There was a story going around recently that some well-meaning virtue signallers were suggesting that warnings be put on bottles of alcohol because of the apparent strong link between booze and gender based violence (the scourge thereof).
Every so often I buy a packet of twenty Camel tipped to smoke. I’m not a regular cigarette smoker but every once in a while I like to binge smoke and none of the warnings on the packet or the photos of gangrenous limbs scare me in the slightest. I suspect it’s more the cost of smoking in Europe and the UK rather than the pictures of diseased lungs that has caused a drop in cigarette smoking.
We already have largely pointless messages on bottles of alcohol such as alcohol is addictive, alcohol affects your driving ability and alcohol dependency is bad for your health. I have yet to meet someone who has put the cork back in a bottle of wine or screwed the top back on the Johnnie Blue bottle because of the revelation that alcohol is addictive so what on earth is the point?
I have also known a few people in my youth who would robustly argue that alcohol enhanced their driving ability; or certainly made things far more exciting for their terrified passengers.
So what warning are we going to slap on the bottle to stop men from beating up women I wonder? And, with all these warnings, will there still be room on the label for the name of the brand?
If it’s gender based violence that we are seriously worried about then surely a warning on rap music would be more efficacious.
